Damsels in Distress
by let's point out the obvious
Summary: Craig discusses a few of his interests with Kenny.


Right, so....this idea started out as a good way to try and write a cute, funny little lemon.

Somehow that didn't quite work out, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.

As always, South Park doesn't belong to me.

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"Have you ever heard of somebody having a savior fetish?"

Craig turned to look at Kenny from his position against the wall of their school. The two of them were leaning side by side, watching the world go by and not necessarily having a conversation but still somehow hanging out with each other. Up until this point all they'd manage to talk about was that someone's bike had been stuck inside the bike rack for the past three weeks. Approximately five seconds ago, however, Craig was hit with the sudden realization that Kenny was in fact the go-to guy for sexual information in their school. And since he had a question in mind, Craig went ahead and asked it.

"You mean like a Jesus fetish?" Kenny asked, only half-joking.

Craig had met Jesus. He was an okay looking guy. He'd probably be pretty hot if you took off the beard and maybe tied the hair back. But he was pretty sure thinking about stuff like that was sacrilege.

With his omnipresent deadpan expression in place, Craig answered, "No. Not a Jesus fetish. A rescuing people fetish."

"_Oh_…" Kenny nodded in understanding, "Like, being a firefighter or a superhero or something, right? Except that you have sex with the people you save?"

Craig cocked his head slightly to the side, looking slightly more interested in the world than usual. Kenny seemed to understand what he was getting at. He understood very well, actually. Craig began to think that maybe Kenny was living up to his reputation as the most knowledgeable kid their age.

"So have you heard of that before?"

Kenny snorted in amusement, "No way, dude. That's fuckin' weird."

Never mind that reputation, then.

Any other boy would have punched Kenny in the arm or possibly just told him to go to Hell, but Craig simply continued staring, like he was waiting for elaboration on a point Kenny hadn't even made. He knew for a fact that this was far more effective than ever getting violent or angry. Silence was Craig's most powerful weapon.

"Eh…just kidding." Kenny said a moment later, smiling uneasily, "I mean, I've never heard of it before, but it's not that weird. Kind of makes sense, when you think about it."

Satisfied, Craig finally looked away; "I thought so."

He figured the conversation would be over with that, but apparently he'd piqued Kenny's own interest.

"So you want to save people's lives and then fuck them?"

Craig glanced back at Kenny, frowning slightly. He'd never actually admitted to having just such a fetish, but he supposed it was easy enough to draw that conclusion. It wasn't like Kenny was wrong.

"Ideally."

Craig figured there was very little chance of him ever actually saving someone's life, but it was nice to think about.

Kenny was staring up at him but Craig had a feeling that he was really looking through him, trying to puzzle things out.

"Anyone in particular?" He asked, a sly smile spreading over his lips.

Craig gave him the perfect look to convey the message of "You're a dumbass," then went ahead and twitched his right eye.

Kenny beamed up at him, having understood both messages loud and clear.

"I should have fucking known." He laughed, turning to rest his head back up against the brick wall of the school.

Craig shrugged his shoulders and slipped his hands into his pockets. He hadn't been trying to keep any secrets and it couldn't have been that hard to guess, so yeah, Kenny really should have fucking known.

"Tweek always needs rescuing," he said, for once speaking unprompted. "He's perfect."

Kenny glanced sideways at him, face screwed up into a confused smile, probably at the idea of someone considering twitchy, spastic, paranoid Tweek perfect.

"I guess he does fit the fetish." Kenny chuckled, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Yup."

Craig liked Tweek for a million other reasons too, but he wasn't about to discuss those with Kenny. Kenny's mind worked on a largely sexual platform, and Craig wasn't sure if he would even understand someone trying to bring love into the equation.

"So have you actually _done it_?"

Craig briefly wondered if Kenny had ever heard that it wasn't nice to kiss and tell, then took in the sight of his slightly flushed face and lecherous grin and rolled his eyes. Kenny was a pervert, but he was a pervert that Craig didn't have the heart to disappoint.

"Yes we have." Craig admitted in his usual monotone.

The bland confession seemed to deflate Kenny a little, but not enough to keep him from grinning and nudging him in the side a moment later.

"And how is he, hm?"

How was he? That was open for debate. Craig's interpretation of good sex was definitely different than other people's, but for Kenny's sake, he'd at least try to answer. He took a moment to remember the times he and Tweek had been together; memories of sleepovers filled with touching, squirming, twitching and gasping, of telling Tweek to chill out and shut up, assuring Tweek that he loved him and that nothing was going to come and eat him during the night, of helping Tweek fall asleep un-medicated for the first time in days.

"Good enough." Craig answered, because he honestly didn't know where Tweek fell on the scale of good or bad sex. They'd both gotten off every time and for Craig, that qualified as more than satisfactory.

Kenny pouted at him, but didn't pry any further as to Tweek's skill in the bedroom.

"I always figured he'd be too freaked out to have sex." Kenny said thoughtfully, then shrugged his shoulders, "But I guess if you two are sexually compatible and all that shit, good for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world."

In response to Kenny's well wishing, Craig said, "I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me, though."

Kenny glanced at him nervously, probably afraid that this was about to turn into a conversation about erectile dysfunction or a different, much more illegal fetish, or something equally unpleasant.

"…Yeah?" he asked, looking like it took a fair amount of effort to ask.

Craig smiled very slightly, amused by Kenny's concern, and said, "It's nothing that bad, I guess. I just feel like kind of a dick."

Kenny offered him a blank stare, as if to say, "Why yes, Craig. That would make sense, seeing as you _are_ an unbelievable dick. I'm surprised you didn't catch on to that fact sooner, seeing as we've all been telling you so for several years now."

Craig returned Kenny's blank stare with one of his own and finally, Kenny relented.

"Why's that?"

Craig sighed quietly and allowed himself to look vaguely distressed for the first time in a long time.

"I like saving Tweek," he explained, "But I also like being the one to put him in danger. Not real danger, but, you know, something to scare him."

It sounded awful to his own ears but Kenny simply looked confused.

"You like scaring him?"

Craig nodded solemnly, "A little."

Kenny let out a sigh of his own, turning his gaze to the overcast sky, "Like…telling him there's a monster behind him kind of scaring him, or threatening to kill him kind of scaring him, or…?"

Craig scoffed at the notion of threatening Tweek and shook his head, no.

"More like, pulling him into my lap then tipping him back so he's hanging off the edge of his bed and thinks he's going to fall and die so he clings to me. That kind of scaring him."

For a moment Kenny looked like he was going to wander off into a fantasyland of perverted proportions but he quickly got a hold of himself and cleared his throat to seem less suspicious.

"You're not actually hurting him or anything, right?"

Again, Craig scoffed, a little annoyed at the fact that Kenny seemed predisposed to think of him as an abusive boyfriend. Did _everyone_ in town think he was a sociopath? He'd always thought of himself as a pretty chill guy, but apparently people saw otherwise.

"I'd never hurt Tweek." He insisted, for once inflecting a bit of passion into his voice.

Kenny smiled apologetically, apparently realizing his mistake, "I believe you, dude. Just makin' sure."

Craig shifted to cross his arms over his chest, looking more dangerous and angry than he really meant to.

"I'm sure it's fine." Kenny said quickly, putting his own hands up in a gesture of mock-defense, "If you're not hurting him, and you're comforting him after you scare him or whatever, I don't see anything really wrong with it."

Craig quirked an eyebrow, not sure if he believed it.

"If Kyle were here," Kenny continued, "He'd probably say that you're actually _building_ trust in your relationship by scaring the shit out of Tweek sometimes." He shrugged his shoulders, dropping the defensive stance, "Or something gay like that."

Building trust, eh? That kind of made sense. If Craig were the one to scare Tweek, then show him that something isn't so scary after all…

Well, that would be almost like rescuing him twice over.

"In conclusion," Kenny said theatrically, "As long as you love him and aren't doing anything he seriously doesn't like, you're in the clear, dude. Have fun fucking."

Craig didn't bother to tell Kenny whether or not he agreed with his ideas about a relationship or even whether or not he would in fact "have fun fucking" tonight. Instead he pushed himself away from the wall and set off in the direction of the school parking lot, waving a hand at Kenny and calling an unenthusiastic, "Thanks."

"Use protection every time!" Was Kenny's way of saying, "You're welcome."

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Thanks for reading!


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